Just Breathe.
Trigger Warning!! ⚠️. This post mentions suicide and suicidal ideations.
Today was the absolute worse for me. I was overwhelmed to the point where I wanted it all to end. I wanted everything about my life at the moment to stop existing. I wanted to feel physical pain instead of mental hell. It didn't help that there was no support outside. I couldn't even cry to let the emotions out. I had to mask it all and pretend to be fine, all the while knowing I badly wanted to fall off that building.
When I got home, my chest was still heavy. I rushed to my sister and wrapped myself in her embrace for a few minutes. It was a relief that I fought everything off and was safe in her arms. I went to my room and I let the tears flow. There was no one to see me and nothing to hide anymore.
As I sat on my reading chair, the panic came in full force. I was panting and struggling to breathe. I couldn't believe I wanted to just die today. I can't decide this for everyone but when I have a terrible episode, it terrifies me. The level of hopelessness and sadness I feel makes me worried. Even when I manage to pull myself out of the suicidal tendency, I don't feel at ease. I'm afraid of the next time. Will I be able to overcome this? How do I know when it's my last? The dark isn't a pleasant place for anyone. So I wonder if I have enough light to keep pushing the darkness away. I want to keep living. I hope I keep living.
I'm writing this to you as a reminder that you can keep fighting it off. I'm still here today. I'll keep pushing and taking it one step at a time. I took deep breaths, in and out to calm myself. I focused solely on breathing. I know this sounds weird and ineffective but it works for me. I kept breathing until my chest didn't feel so heavy. I said affirmations out loud, reminding myself that nothing is as important at this moment as breathing. I'll get better at this. I'll stay for the little things. I'll stay for my sister, my boyfriend, my mum, and my friend. I'll stay for my boss at work and the possibility of something better. I'll stay because my story doesn't end here.
Here's a scriptural reminder too that I find helpful -
For I the Lord your God keep hold of your right hand; I am the Lord, Who says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’
Isa 41:13 AMP
