Thinking of being vulnerable? Start here.

I received a life-changing health diagnosis in January last year and I'll spare you the details in this episode. I'll simply go on to tell you how being vulnerable with the wrong person made me wise enough to share resourceful tips with you. At least, something good came out of my horrible experience.

When the first doctor broke the news about my health to me, I was in denial. I embarked on a search for second opinions to prove the earlier report wrong but that didn't happen. Instead, they all confirmed it. When I had exhausted the hospitals I knew, I reached out to an acquaintance to request more hospitals I could try to get the report I desperately wanted. She was someone I had grown fond of in the University. Over the years, I tested and observed the bonds of friendship with her and I knew firsthand she was incapable of offering me anything beyond an acquaintanceship. However, my desire to reach out to her overwhelmed the knowledge that my secret will no longer be a secret. Besides, I had hoped for a different result so I asked for her help and she helped me. Not only did she suggest a place to me, but she also took me there ensuring I was well attended to. Contrary to what I had hoped, the result was the same and she was there to roll out words of comfort even when she didn't know better. I was used to it, used to her not saying the right things but saying it because she meant well. I was used to her always talking and giving out information others didn't need to know. Most times, I would zone out, keeping silent yet, it didn't deter her from speaking. My solace was always in the knowledge that my silence couldn't be quoted anywhere and in my obligation to listen. When I left the hospital, I was certain of the mistake I had made in sharing something private with her. My resolve was to make sure what I thought she was capable of will not become my burden to bear. I gave it a rest until it was time for me to deal with it.

Last month, the past came hunting for me. My dearest acquaintance shared the news with random roommates she met in school. When I got hold of this, I wasn't surprised but I did panic a little. I hated the lack of control I was experiencing at the moment. The news was no longer within my grasp but with strangers, my vulnerability was shared with people who didn't know me. If I wasn't in a stable mental state at the time, I would have been in a more difficult place because I felt betrayed. On the other hand, it made me appreciate my relationships. I value all my relationships but that day, it dawned on me differently. I'm indeed the one God loves so much because I have the greatest of friends. I didn't waste time reminding my friends how much they meant to me.

I know you need people, we all do. However, good relationships are scarce even with the multitude of people around. You have to know not everyone is willing to put in the hard work. Other times, vulnerability can be terrifying to some people and when you share yours they don't know what to do with it. So, I have taken the time to share some tips you should consider before choosing to allow someone into your space. Think of it as my way of watching out for you.

1. The first thing you want to consider is your expectations. What are your expectations? Are you sharing because you need advice or to be vulnerable? What are you expecting the other person to do for you?. If you can't answer this question truthfully, you probably shouldn't be talking to someone. Asking will help you determine how much information you should share with them. If I need to talk about a reoccurring episode, I have three persons I can safely open up to because I expect them to be understanding. My expectation is not misplaced as I recognize their strengths and capability to be there for me and I trust them to deliver nothing less. I also have friends I can only share a random bad day without going in-depth about my emotions at the moment. With them, I save the gory details of how I am truly feeling and mask. The expectation when sharing is usually to put them at ease. With my mum, I can only tell her how bad the day went but I would never tell her it was so bad I wanted to die. Know your expectations.

2. Who's this person?
By this, I don't mean who they are to you, that's irrelevant. The question is as regards their character. Do they have a record of sharing details of other people's lives indiscriminately, therefore, disregarding boundaries? It's risky to share with a person who neither understands nor respects boundaries. This is the easiest red flag to spot. All you have to do is check how they react when you establish a boundary. If they're angry or repeatedly disregard your need to establish a boundary, you can't trust them to understand why something shouldn't be shared with others. They may swear a vow of secrecy but ultimately, their inability to respect boundaries will outshine everything else.

3. Do they have a record of helping themselves and being able to extend such help to others? This will help you find out if they have the emotional intelligence required to empathetically listen to you. When a person is not in tune with their emotions and generally unaware of their feelings, they can't help you. You can't give what you don't have. If they find it difficult to look inwards, question their choices and behaviors, it'll be impossible for them to do the same with another person's emotions. Beyond words, check the intentionality of how they live and treat those around them.

4. Do they know about this subject you want to share with them or, are they willing to learn about it? I suppose this question gives itself away already. My dad resides in a different time where mental health conditions happen by choice and good nutrition is all you need to fix it. This means, no matter how much I need to open up to someone for help, I can never go to him. I may talk to him as a way of enlightening him about mental health but I will never go to him for help. I will never talk to him expecting an empathetic response. Not only is he clueless on the subject, but he is also unwilling to learn about it. I wish things were different but I've accepted my reality.

5. Check for faith. I do this because my faith in Jesus is important to me. I like to share with someone who holds the same belief. Someone who can understand what I'm feeling from both the secular and spiritual angles. This was also a red flag with my acquaintance so, it's one I take seriously.

If you can carefully question your relationships and you like the response, congratulations! You've got yourself something authentic. By all means, go ahead and share. Be vulnerable. It's good for everyone involved.

"It’s better to have a partner than go at it alone. Share the work, share the wealth. And if one falls down, the other helps, But if there’s no one to help, tough!"

Ecclesiastes 4:9‭-‬10 MSG

I will love to hear from you. Send me an email at isurvivetrauma@gmail.com sharing your own experience.